Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
