You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
