Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
