My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
