I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
