You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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