No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
