I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
