He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
