My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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