I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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