thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
