Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
