i think i have herpe
just one?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
