The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
