Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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