By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize