why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
