So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
