I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
