I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
