I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
