I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize