Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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