Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
