So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
