You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I need moral support for this bender
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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