I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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