paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
