my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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