the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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