apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
