I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
