i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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