I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
