put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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