i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
