I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
