A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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