I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
