Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
