i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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