Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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