Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize