did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
