Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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