ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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