Just fell off a train. Bad.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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