Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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