Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
