if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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