OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
