If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
