I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
