her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
