my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize