Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize