Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
