She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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