I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
did i just pee glitter
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
