He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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