Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
