This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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