Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It was like getting head from an anaconda
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
