this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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