Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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