i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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