I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize