So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
