if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
