Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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