yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
