Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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