dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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