listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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