Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
