I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
false alarm. still invincible.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
