you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
