He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
