my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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