i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
